I often wonder why it is so hard for normal people to detect us. The way we see the world is so fundamentally different from them. It's tempting to add this to the list of reasons we have to look down on them.
A shrink would tell you that the phenomenon is known as projection; that people naturally see their own emotions in others when they see similar facial expressions to ones that they've made themselves, or see people in situations that they have been in in the past. It's charming, but naive. It's not their fault, of course. They have no other point of reference. They're trapped in their own box, they can only see the world one way: the normal way. If they weren't such a vast majority, maybe we wouldn't have to pretend to see it that way too.
I suppose I first realized that I was different while I was in Africa at the age of twelve. I wandered the slums of Korogocho, met five year old glue addicts, witnesses the plight of orphans and street children with nobody in the world to turn to, and the thing that hit me the hardest was this: None of what I saw made me feel anything. I looked around at the other white people that were there with me, and I saw compassion on their faces, tears in their eyes, and empathy in their hearts. The things that they saw affected their behaviour; cut them right to the soul.
I watched.
I tried to copy them as best I could. Fortunately we were all on an antimalarial medication that apparently has some neural side effects so I could blame any inconsistencies on the drug's side effects. I used that excuse more than a couple times on that trip.
The worst thing about being this way is that it's impossible to convince anyone that you aren't just being overdramatic. No one who has felt emotion will ever believe that you can't. They think you're just being strong. They think it's a phase.
Let's get one thing straight before I continue. It's not like I'm some kind of monster. I don't kill people or animals. I keep myself to a very high code of morality. The difference between me and you is that if you break your code, you are tortured by your subconscious, whereas if I break mine, I merely continue to exist in the same empty state I began in.
